A friend of mine just posted a blog entry about Saturdays, and basically how nice they are.  I very much agree, even though I rarely actually feel like I can enjoy the weekend myself.  This is a choice, I am now willing to admit.  A choice which I am going to reverse.  I am going to enjoy weekends, and enjoy myself, and still be a functioning member of the graduate school community.  Yes, you people will get your papers and I will get my thesis, but I’m going to come out a balanced individual if it takes every ounce of effort in my mind and body.

One of the main things that came out of my last committee meeting (i.e. me, a computer, and a projector in a smallish, very purple room with four professors I respect and like but are gently intimidating when they’re together all paying attention to me and only me, in theory) was that I should seriously consider / reconsider going on for a PhD.  They told me to take that as a compliment, and I’m trying my darndest to do so, because that means I’m good at this school and learning and publishing papers thing.  I’m going to have a conversation with one of those professors next week that will run along the similar theme.

And my point of frustration is this.  I’ve never been out of school.  I’ve always had tasks to do at every point in the day on every day of the week because yes, the tasks had deadlines, but it would be better if I did them sooner or put more time into them because everything can be better with more work.  I, I don’t think I like this.  I am not the kind of person who takes responsibilities lightly, and my mindset for the last threeish years has been that I am here for school and school alone, so therefore that is what I should be doing at all times.

That conversation should be interesting.  I do see the point of further education and further degrees, but I also need to see the point of my own life.  This, as many people tell me, is a choice.  I know a number of grad students that choose time for themselves and appear to be relatively sane.  But that number is not very large.  The vast majority of grad students I interact with on a daily basis have a hard time balancing themselves with the work they need to do.  One of my main advisors has told me on a few occasions that graduate school is not the place to find yourself.  And while I agree with him, I also hate it and think its a dirty lie at the same time.  I’m learning a lot about myself by struggling through the hoops placed in front of me.  I’m also learning a lot about the person I want to be, which is that of one who is balanced and finds worth in both things I would do purely for myself as well as in the things I do for others that benefit me on paper in the long run.

We shall see what happens.  As for right now, I am going to do what I think will make me feel good and content.  Which means at the moment writing a bit on my thesis so I can go run / walk / be somewhere not at a computer.  I apologize slightly if I’ve broken the rule of no whining on this virtual space of mine, but not too much, because I consider this a cathartic musing more than a rant.  It is what it is, right?